Guys wonder why girls have such a bad view of their body;
At night I’ve cut, crimson blood drops flowed, it was nice to look at them, it felt like defense. My white fat body is disgusting and sometimes I have to hold the layers and I feel how much unnecessary fat is there but the bad thing is – I don’t hate it, I love it because it belongs to me, it doesn’t matter how much of a burden it is, I can’t help but feeling love and utter acceptance to them, I think it might be a self-defense mechanism, nobody loves me so I’m going to love myself and seek for the right to be here. I’ve gotten a few lbs fatter recently and it makes me feel really dreadful especially because I am really the fattest one among them. Still I can’t hate it, it might bother me sometimes but I can’t hate these damned sacks of fat sagging from me, I wish I was smaller but I can’t hate it, I fucking can’t, if I don’t love it no one is going to, no one is going to hold it, I can’t let this body to be hated. I accept the body I’m in more than I accept the reality I have to live. It felt good to be crying blood, it feels good when I take off my pants and it burns me. I’ve also been having a period and it’s been since a few weeks which is rather weird, the blood leaves me like life.
I’ve been so much broken recently, it feels like a downward spiral, I don’t know why is that, shit has been happening all the time but I could have manage to live indifferently and rather stable, I think it might be because I can’t ignore life anymore and the passing time. But why? I can’t ignore this brokenness to the point I stand against it, I can stand for my goddamned, weaker with every year ‘normality’, to have the attitude of rebellion but I can’t win ever, it swallows me every time, why?
I’ve gotten to this point again, where I think there isn’t anything left than professional psychotherapeutic treatment and how could I bring myself to do it ever, how can I decide about the thing considering my own health, I can’t do this, I can’t even do shopping because it’s too hard to decide on anything, in fact it’s when I’m trying to do shopping then I realize how sick I must be. Whoever ever is going to decide for me in that matter? I think I need the fucking help. What is even the purpose in life for people doomed for wretchedness since their early days? I am extraordinarily wretched for I always am back on track eventually, the costs are my health, my years and maybe other people’s happiness though I try always very hard to make people around me happy with me. I am extraordinarily wretched for I always survive anything and even make more room for the harm when there is someone hurting me. But it’s wretchedness what steals my years of youth and my health and destructs me, I am changed after all but in the wrong way, I’m getting worse and worse, I’m afraid I’m going to be this extraordinarily wretched until the end and so no one is going to even care.
One of my friends pissed me off today in the lab for they wanted to improve whatever I do even if I really think of what I do and care to do it right and it is rather normal I’m pissed off for it feels like I am there for nothing, she is herself neurotic and I often forgive her but I felt even more broken than I’ve already been and my best friend only approved her what made me act as I am offended and then only she cared more about how I feel. She’s got something that only people bullied once have, the empathy and understanding of harm. She’s better than me for she has a loving mother – I could have nothing more in the world but a loving mother.
How do I live anymore convinced I should be long dead?
I will shower myself again, I want to cut.
He is meant to save me now, however lame and pathetic it does sound, it is true, he suffers me because he doesn’t do it
be-positive-my-munchkin asked: You're beautiful xox
I am drunk on wine
33% cold, 33% sleepiness, 33% anxiety, 1% glitter
my ocean is bluer than the heart you had to break my sea is deeper than your lake
Good morning! I’m sure some of you are awake right now (I’m posting this at 2am PDT), so here’s something to help you night owls have sweet dreams. I don’t think unicorns have any dream-related magic, but Kato sure does.
Thanks to Kindra Nikole for the amazing photography in this set.
The moon is so low and beautiful. It seems heavy and though is as low on the sky like if it was about to drop off it, there isn’t any fear it will, it’s only going to move sideways.
I write in English because I haven’t done that in a long time and I’m kind of afraid my skill is going to fade. I couldn’t sleep at night for I was so occupied with my head’s own madness which I could try to describe but I won’t because it’s surely for nothing, it’s been there since a very long time for my head to feed on it but with years it has become less colorful and promising and now it has the image of my pale face hiding behind the storm of healthy hair with wicked smile and witchy eyes that have the power to hypnotize boys and make them praise me or rather the image of me what leads to hatred or both-sided misery, it isn’t something I want to be but the side effects of my demanding, innocence deprived virginal life in which I have been wretched and disordered, in which the only moments of hope are these glimpses of my inviting face that expresses someone immature and sophomoric that is not going to take responsibility for any evoked affection yet in the same yelling for one like their life was depended on it, that’s maybe why nobody treats me personally – they don’t know what person they are about to confront, I’m not changing it or trying to hide because I am always true to myself no matter what. I am true to myself to death. I could die for this truth.
I have figured out something new about myself today and it is that it’s not only food I want to devour all at once and as fast as it’s possible but it goes with pretty much everything in my existence which I realized after wanting to acquire all the knowledge, to read all the book I have, to know everything there is for me to know, all at once. To have the feeling of knowing everything and so being everywhere I compulsively stalk internet sources of things everyday what runs my general neurosis and thus ruins me. I seem to rely on those things, have in them an illusion of control. I have to believe I have control and don’t need to behave compulsively towards things, if I believe I have it, I’m going to have it, even if I want to binge on food, it is just the want that I can control, I decide whether I put shit to my mouth or not. I can refuse it through pain. In my madness-like heat of the night I naturally ignore my body because it doesn’t fit the image, since yesterday I’ve been wearing tight leggings and my legs in them bother me. My weight also.
I’ve woken up late and given up my day to binging. Then I’ve drank senna to make me empty. I’m getting fatter and fatter. Yesterday felt so good partially because I haven’t seen him and started to slowly wipe away him from head. My head would feel lighter without him. I’m disgusted with him and with what he has done to me. He doesn’t probably realize the harm and my feelings are immature and simplified but I can’t help feeling like I’m more of a victim, I want to destroy the whole world when I think of him.
S wrote to me just to tell he she has moved from our city to live with ‘her boyfriend’ she’s been knowing since a few months. She is a stupid whore and I’m kind of glad I won’t see her. Tomorrow I’m meeting another stupid whore but what have I to lose?
It was a first good day since a very long time.
Beautiful day in April rain, in the morning I was touching the Earth while seeding little flowers and then I came back home and with mother we visited freshly-opened market on my street and there I bought french phrasebook and I am filled with inspiration, nature appreciation and feel like one of the green plants that reborn in an April rain.
Tomorrow I’m dying my hair black.